After more than a week of not really exercising and eating mainly chips and salsa and peanut butter sandwiches my body was not feeling all that great. As a result, I was not in the best state of mind either. When I get that way I know that the best thing for me is to get up and run but it's also the toughest time to do so. Finally, luckily, last night around 6:30 I couldn't take it anymore and I got up, put on my shoes, and was out the door before I really had the chance to think about it.
Something pretty amazing happened- rather than taking a mile or so to hit my stride and sink in to the run, I felt good right away. Those first few steps really clicked and not only did I feel incredible but I was running significantly faster than I usually do. It was slightly raining and finally cooling off, and as I got to the lakefront path I was feeling really, really good. Something about the rain and the ease with which my body was running helped me relax more than I have in weeks. This may sound cliche but seriously, every step was like my worries and doubts diminished and I became stronger.
I managed to sustain that pace for about four miles, and just as I was starting to get tired I rounded a corner and there was a perfect rainbow over the harbor. It was absolutely beautiful and that unexpected delight gave me enough energy to finish my run feeling good and at a pace faster than I knew that I could do. I don't think I have ever, before yesterday, actually taken the time to consciously be grateful for refraction of light and the ability of our eyes to witness it. But I am so grateful for that, because it allows us to see the world in color, and to perceive all the different hues, tints, shades, and tones that make up our complex realities.
On a different note, I think I am moving into a new phase in my life. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, but I can sense that change coming. I'm curious to see what discoveries I make along the way.
Oops I have neglected this blog for the past month! There has been so much going on with me- a lot of great opportunities at work with my design job, so many great ultimate frisbee games and good times with my friends. I have also been moving into a new apartment (I'm finally here and getting settled) and that has been stressful but fun. I also had my 21st birthday this past week, and am so grateful to all of the friends that have come around to celebrate me and wish me well. Thanks to everyone who makes me feel so special every day!
Now that I'm out of that busy transition phase for awhile, hopefully I will have time for more updates. I hope you have all had a great summer so far and are making the most of your August!
Today is a special day. It is my one year anniversary of being a single woman and of dedicating my time to falling in love with myself rather than placing my worth into the hands of someone else. I decided the morning after the end of a 1 year, 7 month relationship that I was going to live that day for me and not look back. Inevitably, there were times of looking back. Times of wondering, and a lot of time needed for healing. But that decision to live each moment for me and for my life has stuck with me every single day since then.
I am exactly one month away from my 21st birthday. I started a relationship the summer I turned 17 that lasted for 1 year, 4 months. Less than a month later, I was in the aforementioned relationship. I spent three years of my life, my senior year of high school and first two years of university, in relationships. That amazes me now. I loved those years and I loved those boys, but looking back I am amazed at how little I was really living for me.
So today I am celebrating my past year, my love affair with myself, and all of the great moments and experiences that I have had, as well as the learning experiences that have made me stronger and wiser.
Last summer I started learning a lot about nutrition and dedicated myself to exercise and eating healthy. I learned that I love the feeling of sore muscles after a day of lifting, and that I feel great when I eat right.
At the very end of August 2008 I moved to Barcelona, Spain for 4 months to study and I experienced so much, both externally and internally, that I am still processing the changes that that time brought in me. It's still amazing to me that I fulfilled a dream of going to Spain and living in another country- both things that I have wanted to do since I was probably 7 or 8 years old- and only have increased desire to learn and explore other places.
Winter of 2009 was tough for me; things weren't the same as I had left them and I didn't know where I fit in my Chicago life anymore. I learned the value of a few close friends, and how good it feels to go to bed early and wake up early every day. I was very productive and spent a lot of time with myself, reflecting and thinking.
This spring and summer so far have been incredible- I have my own adventures, when I want them, and have been doing a lot of things spontaneously. I am also slowly figuring out how to let my inner perfectionist go and to just be and to love me. Toward the end of March, I stopped wearing makeup regularly. From ages 11-20 I would not leave the house without makeup; now I only put it on for a special occasion. When I look in the mirror every morning I like who I see.
I have also met a lot of great people, stayed close with my friends, and look forward to my half marathon training and days at the beach.
I have finally learned to love myself exactly as I am right now. It isn't always easy, but every morning when I wake up I tell myself 'I love you' and make a conscious decision to enjoy my entire day. I am living more simply, and can't remember the last time I did anything to my hair but comb it. Gone is the need to impress, or the fear that I'm not good enough exactly as I am.
Me right now! Haven't showered from my workout yet :)Wish I had a better camera at the moment. But it's all good, I know I look great.
I make decisions for myself now. I don't feel the need to consult with anyone, and I am living in line with my values. I became vegetarian, and then vegan. If I don't feel like going out one night, I don't and I don't feel guilty about it. When I exercise it's because of how great it makes me feel, not because I am desperately trying to lose weight or look 'right'. I cook delicious dinners for myself and enjoy them immensely. I started this blog, I create art a lot more, and I just started a company with a friend of mine (more on that soon!).
Sure, all of this would have been possible while in a relationship, but I needed to figure it out on my own and be secure in my love for myself before falling in love again with someone else. I am so happy and know that I am fortunate to have fallen in love twice already in my life. I have also fallen out of love twice, and know that I can get through it. I also know that I will never fall out of love with myself. Every day I am working toward being the person I want to be and loving the person I am.
So today I am celebrating. It is such a gorgeous day. I woke up early, had a delicious breakfast, and went to the gym. I plan on spending the afternoon in a park reading The Virgin's Lover (I love historical fiction, and am fascinated by the Tudor family..these books are incredible) and/or drinking margaritas with a friend of mine. Then tonight I have an ultimate frisbee game and will be going to Piece Pizza and Brewery afterward for the free pizza and good company. I absolutely love my life and I love me.
What do you do to celebrate yourself?
An unexpected life change is approaching me this summer. After almost two years of living in my beautiful apartment, circumstances have shifted and I will be moving out before school starts at the beginning of September.
When this news first hit me I was kind of shocked and very sad. This is the first place I have lived in my entire life, aside from my parent's house, that has really felt like home. I live on a beautiful, tree-lined street in Lakeview, Chicago, IL, walking distance from school and many other things. I have great roommates, both friends and ultimate frisbee teammates. Lovely living room, skylight, big kitchen, very reasonable rent...and it was where I came back to after living abroad for 4 months. My Chicago home.
However, after sitting on this for a day or two, I decided to shift my way of thinking. Rather than focus on all that I had to give up, wouldn't it be better to focus on both what I already have and what other possibilities there could be? So I came up with a list of reasons why a new place and possibly new roommates would be positive changes in my life:
- Potentially cheaper rent
- Living with people my own age (my roommates are both a year younger...last year they were both older)
- Since I wouldn't see my roommates every day anymore, I would appreciate our friendship more and make an effort to see them outside of the context of 'are you done in the bathroom yet?'
- This is a big one: The opportunity to majorly downsize my belongings and accumulated STUFF.
- Not become to attached to this place. I already know I want to leave the country after I graduate to explore, work, and travel but am afraid that I may choose what I know. After another year in this apartment-that-is-fast-becoming-my-home that would be a lot more difficult to let go of.
So it's great that all of this fell into place for me. I think that when I'm ready to accept certain things as they are, the right opportunities are more likely to come along for the future. Also, some specific positives about moving into this particular apartment:
- They already have furniture. They do not need my two couches and two armchairs. One couch and chair that I have have been in my family forever...a lot of sentimental value both from my parents and from me. Great opportunity to let them go (especially because they are leather).
- The room I will be moving into is probably a bit smaller than mine. Which means I have to get rid of things. And as moving is such a hassle (I've done it 6 times in the past 3 years) I want to keep it as simple as possible. My goal is to be able to fit all of my possessions into a regular size car.
- It is a quarter of a mile from the art building. Which means that instead of leaving at 8:15 for my 8:45 am classes, I can leave at 8:40. That's brilliant.
- Again, that close means that I can go home to eat or to grab something. No more carrying my life around in my backpack.
- I will get to live with two girls who are a lot of fun, great friends, and different from me, which will keep things enjoyable and interesting!
What I'm trying to say is, I could be upset about having to change what is already working very well for me and having to rearrange my life and my space yet again. But instead, when I think about the positives and find ways to turn a potentially bad situation into a good one, I get excited about the possibilities rather than dwelling on the doors that are shutting. I'm not saying that this is always easy. But it is something I strive to do every day so that I am peace with my world as is and am able to create a reality in which each day is better than the next.
As some of you may know, I am currently in training to run the Chicago Half Marathon on September 13, 2009. I have never run in a race before, nor have I ever run more than 4 or 5 miles at a time, but it started off as a great challenge for me, as well as a chance to prove to that 13 year old still inside of me that I can, in fact, run, and don't need to hide in the nurse's office on the day of the mile run in gym class. Yes I did that. No I could not run one mile. I don't know if it was physical or mental, but I couldn't. And yes I got made fun of for it.
I couldn't bring myself to run a full mile without stopping until my junior year of high school. And even then it was only because a friend was with me every step of the way telling me that I could do it. Running to me has always been hard work, but also the only true measure of fitness. I know that isn't necessarily true, but I still have yet to shake that paradigm from my mind.
Anyway, I am almost done with week 3 of training, and so far so good. I printed out weekly schedules for myself and when I complete a workout I give myself a big star or smiley face. Even on days when it's tough to get going (like running 5 miles today, I'm already procrastinating) I know that as soon as I get out there, about a mile or so in I will hit my stride and stop obsessively adding up blocks to figure out how far I've gone/need to go. And that feeling I get, when I realize that I'm not thinking about running anymore, is incredible. I know that all runners say this, but it feels like I have discovered this whole new beautiful thing! It's so great.
Still, I wanted to be able to do something to help me past the time on actual race day, though up until this point I hadn't really been thinking about it too hard; I just knew something would come up. And then a couple of nights ago when I was reading the new Women's Health, I found it. At the front of the magazine, on the "Tell Women's Health" page, there is a side column of advice from readers, and this month it was how to motivate yourself during outdoor workouts. One woman said that while she was swimming, she would dedicate each lap to thinking about someone in her life.
This is brilliant. When I read that I got goosebumps all over my body and I knew that that was it. I am going to dedicate each of the first 12 miles of the half marathon to someone or a group of people that are important to me, and during the entire mile I am going to focus on all of the good qualities about that person and send out positive thoughts to the universe for her or him. And I can practice this during training! I can't think of a better way to focus on gratitude and how wonderful all of the people in my life are, all while doing something great for myself. I'm going to save the last 1.1 miles for myself and focus on all of the things I love about me, because in order to truly love and appreciate others, I must love and appreciate myself first.
There will be more updates on my training status throughout the summer- this is a huge challenge for me and the journey has been exciting so far! There is nothing like pushing myself just to see how far I can go. What sorts of challenges are you taking on in your life?
It has been awhile since I have read a novel or a story that has made every part of me come alive. There are certain books that, once picked up, I am unable to put down or think of anything else until I have known them in their entirety. And then, after reading for anywhere from 4-16 hours straight, I am unable to sleep because I am so wrapped up in the magic, and when I do finally drift off, my dreams are filled with vivid scenes spiraling out of my imagination from the pages of these beautiful treasures.
La sombra del viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon is one such book. (Excuse my inability to properly accent at the moment.) I happened upon this book accidentally, and as soon as I started reading, like with many books before it, I am absolutely amazed that I didn't know it sooner. The book is set in Barcelona, which automatically makes me love it due to the familiarity of street corners and forgotten plazas I spent my four months there exploring. There is something so thrilling of being able to see the places in my mind, as they really are and how I can then imagine them to be 60 years ago, in the time period of the novel. Not to mention the nostalgia and memories these images evoke of my time in the city, and the little glimmers of understanding I was just beginning to glean from its ancient buildings and reserved people. It always amazes me, those moments when a book (or a poem, play, song, work of art) comes to me at just the right moment, in such a way that I can't imagine having never known it before this point, when it is exactly what I need to the point of being magical.
Rather than write an in-depth review and then tell everyone to go read this book (though if you are at all like me you definitely should!), I just want to reflect on the experience of reading and the way it feels when I really fall into a book and can't come out for awhile. I had this experience for the first time probably when I was about 3 years old, and though I am told I couldn't possibly remember this, I remember the first book I could ever 'read'- Scary, Scary Halloween. It was a kids book that I made my parents read to me so much that I memorized it and would 'read' (recite) it to everyone and anyone who would listen. Thus is my first memory of my love of books.
Getting involved in a story that sparks a multitude of memories, emotions, and moments where you forget to breathe does incredible things for me. It's amazing that I can get involved to a point where the entire world disappears and only the world between the pages is real. It makes me sad, sometimes, when I meet a person and discover that she or he doesn't enjoy reading. I wonder how and why she or he has been denied this pleasure that all who are fortunate enough to be literate should be granted. I understand that life is busy, that television is easier, that some books may be boring at certain times. But the right one is out there, just waiting to be discovered by you.
Besides a beautifully complex story filled with multi-layered intrigue (oh dear my inner book-reviewer is coming out), there were several lines in this book that really resonated with my deep passion for books. On page 8, it says (in the translated version that I have) "few things leave a deeper mark on a reader than the first book that finds its way into his heart." (Or HER heart!) That first book has found its way into my heart through many different novels, many different stories that always speak of magic and mythology and love and nature. The same sort of stories always call to me, speak to my imagination and fill me with a wonder and inspiration that I will dedicate my life to encouraging and cultivating, even when the world tells me I am silly. Find the stories that inspire you and seek them out with an open heart.
Another quote at the very end of the book, on page 484: "[A character] says that the art of reading is slowly dying, that it's an intimate ritual, that a book is a mirror that offers us only what we already carry inside us, that when we read, we do it with all our heart and mind, and great readers are becoming more scarce by the day."
Everything about this rang so true with me. I fear the death of reading, the slow, tortured funeral procession of great literature. I hope for a revival of the joy of reading and storytelling, the reawakening of the imagination and the wonderfulness that is out there in the realities we have yet to create. Don't let this beauty die out; close your eyes and remember a feeling, a moment, a story, a dream that filled your entire heart and mind. Hold on to that feeling and return to it as often as possible. Keep your imagination alive and thriving.
When you do find a story that speaks to you, remember that it only shows us what we already are, the parts of us that we accept and those that we hide from. Don't shy away from it. Read a book that makes you laugh out loud or causes tears to spill from your eyes. Do it in public. Be moved.
Things have improved since my day of doing nothing- it stopped raining long enough so that I was able to play in a great game of ultimate on Wednesday and do a marathon workout/errands/grocery trip yesterday. Of course, it poured all day today and is still pouring, but I had a fantastic day.
One thing I'm starting to understand is how to enjoy not having to wake up at 7 am every day just to 'fit it all in'. While I enjoy waking up early, and I think it's a good idea to keep at least somewhat regular hours, there are few things more satisfying that waking up early, stretching in bed, and then letting the sound of the rain gently lull me back into sleep.
I may have also watched the entire second season of Weeds and eaten an entire pint of chocolate peanut butter 'ice cream' while laying in bed today. (The 'ice cream' is made from coconut milk- my roommate says it's weird but since it's been awhile since I've eaten dairy, it tasted great to me! Highly recommended.)
At first, I felt badly about myself for laying around all day and eating so much of a delicious treat, but then I realized that I deserved to have some time like that in my life. That is part of what the color revolution is all about- living the most fantastic life possible because you deserve it. Instead of falling prey to societal and cultural ideas of productivity and acceptable foods to eat, everybody deserves a 'free day' every once in awhile. Do what you will with it!
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